Revealing My Reading Identity Through Writing

A few weeks ago I wrote a post about what reading means to me. If you read my post or glanced at my Goodreads page, or even if you listened to me emphatically talk about books or reading with my students, colleagues, or friends, you may have thought that I have always been a strong reader or that I was a kid who found reading always to be easy and enjoyable. Although my parents were avid readers and read to me all throughout my childhood, I had a rough start in reading. I am certain that if Response to Intervention (RtI) had been a framework implemented in the early 1980s, I would have probably been identified as a student in need of a reading intervention.

The truth is that I was a struggling reader for most of elementary school and part of middle school. Learning, especially in reading (and don't get me started on math), did not come easily to me. I spent a lot of time feeling stupid and slow. Even now, as a middle-aged adult and seasoned teacher, these toxic feelings still surface, especially when I encounter a challenging text.

In an effort to model how to write an effective Personal Statement for college admission with my high school seniors (and in an attempt to share with my students that I have struggled with reading like many of them) and to provide my students with a better idea of how writers think, I wrote this piece with and in front of my students using a document camera and later as a Google Document. Based on reading an article from Johns Hopkins University called “Essays that Worked,” I emulated a piece of student writing called “20 Questions” to serve as my mentor text. Below is my best draft (so far) of an essay I named “Report Card Comments”:

Prompt: What is a life experience that has shaped who you are today?

Lacks basic literacy skills.

I began first grade behind most of my peers in basic reading skills. While most of my classmates were pouring into books, some of them boasting how they could read long chapter books, I couldn’t read basic sight words. I was an expert at pretending to read. I used pictures to retell a story, but when it came to decoding most words, I was lost. I didn’t make meaning to what I read either. Therefore, it is not surprising that I was placed into one of the lowest reading groups, marked by a white sticker and allowed only to read from the corresponding basal. This struggle would later reveal my level of resiliency as a learner.   

Needs to improve reading comprehension.

By fourth grade, I was proficient in decoding words. In addition, I could usually identify the topic of a paragraph. However, as I lurked in the hallway during Parent Teacher Conferences, I overheard hushed comments such as, “some kids are slow at reading” or “Trina needs to try harder.” I felt stupid. Slow.  Embarrassed. Although my teachers were cautious to never reveal who the struggling readers were, I knew I was one of them.

Needs to use class time wisely.  

As a seventh grader, I began reading The Outsiders. As instructed, I read the daily required reading, but I had no idea what The Outsiders was about. My mind wandered as I read, and I couldn’t follow the plot. After I failed the third multiple choice quiz, I requested to meet with my teacher. He told me that I just needed to do the reading in order to pass the quizzes. He didn’t understand that I was reading it, but I just didn’t get it. Shortly after, I began rereading The Outsiders in a different way. I read a page and then closed the book, writing in my notebook what I remembered and understood. If I couldn’t make sense of a page, I reread it or focused on one paragraph at a time. For over a week I spent hours each night reading this way. When I received results from the next quiz, my teacher remarked, “see what happens when you simply take the time to read?” If only he knew what it took for me to read The Outsiders. For me, it wasn’t as simple as just reading it. Unbeknownst to me, I taught myself how to monitor my reading. It would be a strategy that would carry me through middle and high school.

Displays talent in reading and writing.

By the end of ninth grade, I asked teachers for assistance when I didn’t understand something, even when I felt stupid for asking. Now I was able to monitor my reading and recognize when I didn’t understand a concept. In fact, Mr. Poss, my English teacher, recommended me to take Advanced English as a sophomore, a course I never thought that I could be considered for. I was elated when he told me I had talent as a writer and was a strong reader. It was the first time I felt successful as a student.

Is an excellent student.

Improving my reading was no easy task and was time consuming. There were many times that I wanted to give up, especially since it was easier to pretend that I didn’t care instead of doing it. Reading always took me a bit longer than my peers, but I figured out strategies that worked for me and asked for help when I couldn’t make meaning on my own. This changed my identity as a reader and learner. More importantly, I found a way to make something so challenging become manageable.

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As I began writing this piece in front of my students, an interesting thing occurred. At least five brave students shared with me how they still struggle as readers and writers, including a student who gave me the most “attitude” in the first few weeks of school. I am happy to report that he is now respectful to me and his classmates and is participating more and more in small groups. Another student privately asked me if I would show her how I became a better reader because she feels that she never understands what she is reading. I felt honored that she shared this painful truth with me. She and I plan to set up a schedule soon, using RMA, before or school.

Writing in front of students (or anyone!) is not always easy. A few weeks ago I was writing a Quick Write using the document camera and mixed up a make of car that I remembered from high school. One of my students realized my error right away and yelled out, "Chevy never made an Altima! That was a Nissan!" Duh - I knew that. It was embarrassing and my first impulse was to stop writing in front of them. However, I gently reminded myself (and my students) that Quick Writes are not about perfection - they are often about gathering your thoughts and working through what you remember or think about a topic. I kept on writing in front of my students.

When I first began teaching, I would have not been comfortable writing in front of my students in fear that I would make glaring mistakes as a writer (like I did in my Quick Write). In addition, I was afraid to share that I struggled as a reader or as a learner. In fact, I was scared that revealing this would mean losing my credibility with my colleagues or parents or students as an English teacher. Little did I know that sharing a piece of myself like this could help other students (and teachers) take more risks as learners. I also did not understand the power of explaining your thinking to another person. Now I realize that students learn more effectively when a teacher models and talks through their learning.

Although I need to make many adjustments for how I teach students to write a Personal Statement for next year (including how to encourage better cognitive engagement from my students, especially those who don’t see themselves as college bound), I realized how important it was to share my human side with my students. It is important for me to let my students know that I was not always as successful in reading or writing or confident in my learning as I am now. As I have been reading through my students' Personal Statements, many students wrote about heavy and incredibly personal things, such as the effect of a parents' divorce or coping with a mental illness or experiencing an intense struggle of some kind. They were vulnerable with their peers and with me. Of course I am grateful to know more about my students through their writing.

In my return to the classroom this year, I continue to circle back to my beliefs as an educator, like I wrote about in this post. As I thought about writing this post, I have especially considered these two beliefs:

• Because I believe modeling is important for clarity...you’ll see me engaged in think alouds about my reading, writing and thinking. You’ll see me writing and reading in front of my students and colleagues and grappling with where I get stuck.

• Because I believe that teachers who write are better teachers of writing…you’ll see me keep my own writer's notebook as a model of my writing to students and you’ll see me write for real purposes and for real audiences.